My secret Ambition

As I sit down and write this I constantly wonder what I would like to write today. When my laptop's not with me, I have so many things floating in my mind thzt I wish I can immediately write down. But alas, it doesnt work that way. Now as I type this down, I am frankly blank in my mind. I dont see a topic that I can write about.

Now I have something in mind.

I have a dream-Martin Luther King.

That man has a dream, not of my reach but something for his people. I too have a dream. My dream is not to see justice and fairness and being judged by character etc. My dream is big. I have my secret dream. Here, dream I mean is ambition. Boy, do I have a secret ambition. I am guessng many people have that. I dotnt think all doctors wished they were doctors or road sweepers dream of sweeping floors. I would not like to state my secret dream here, because then it wont be a secret anymore right? I have my sights on my dream. I know I can do well. But I have so many things stoping me. My family, my education and mainly, my self. My inner me wants to break loose, go crazy and just like taking a rented a car and driving all the way to Vegas. But my outer me, the harder shell always comes me down and tells me that things will fall in place as it may have it.

I am 19. I no longer know when "things will fall in place" anymore. Age is a bening factor in any industry. I do want to study, I do want to be a lawyer, but my heart, mind and body wants something else. I dont know whether will I ever be able to be "it" or join "it", but its something I want to do. I dont know, my family constantly things I wont do well, so does all of my friends. Not one has been positive unless to suck up to me or pretends to be nice. Genuine thoughts are so hard to come by. I wonder whether my secret ambition will alwyas remain a secret never known. Someone one said that, "when you're the drive of a car, if you dont press the gas pedal, it will not move". It sounds so well thought, but I wonder if I were to press the gas pedal, will the car move to fast?Will the car explode?Or will someone pull the brakes immediately?

I am a hard thinker. When I want something I look at all sides. Sometimes I wonder whether my weaknes is that, but when I look at it again, it could be my strength because I make sure its perfect in always. But I guess, if its meant to be, its meant to be and nothing can change it. All we may hope is the best. I have occasionally mentioned it to my parents, but to no avail have I received a response positive enough to make me move my ass towards achieveing it. Everything is all laid down by my parents. Its just for me to follow the road taken. I dont like taking the road not taken, I am anti-risk. But once in awhile, I want to experience the queer life. I want to know, what is it like being in that road. It might not be all pefect and tared, but it sure beats the boringness I would receive if I were to take the other. In life, if you want to be successful in your career, family, health, you have to mean it. You have to enjoy it. You can not regret it any point of time. Maybe thats a little hard put, but thats the core of it. I dont know whether law is my passion. I dont know whether I will be happy doing it. I may be successful in it, but living it as if its the best thing I can do in my life? I think not.

Of course at this age, everyone says I have a choice. I can still choose. But frankly, I dont know whether I have that luxury. Maybe I would. Maybe if I try hard enough, push hard enough, rebel hard enough I might make my secret dream/ambition to come true.

One thing for sure, it will not be tomorrow.

Haih.....